Rockin' and Rollin'

I guess I should say something to somebody. I haven't really felt myself lately. Maybe it's the weather? My life seems to be spiraling downward and I'm powerless to stop it. I feel if I go any further I'll fall off an emotional ledge and regret it for the rest of my mortal life.  I can't seem to get out of the house much anymore except to go to work and even that, unfortunately, will be coming to an end. You see, I'm taking a stand! I've decided that I need to discover who it is I really am and experience everything. I need to feel new feelings and have a new idea. 
I suddenly feel a lack of motivation. Twisted, twisted mind.

I've been kinda busy, only not really. I work and then I go out to shows. That's about it and Wal-Mart. Nothing new or exciting has happened recently except we recently hired two cute gay guys to work at the store and they both really brighten my day.

I've been really sick for the past couple of days. Like fever-ish sick. I hate being sick, it just puts me in a funk. I lay around all day and just do nothing. I mean, I didn't even go get my check yesterday. What the hell, right? Oh well.

I would like to state beforehand that this is not directed at any one person or persons.

I feel that I'm being used to make people feel better about themselves. Like that when they see me and talk to me, that they aren't as bad off as I am. That I'm so pathetic and sad and ugly there is no way that they could be as bad as or worse than me. An accessory to their bruised ego. When I walk into a room, people sigh in relief that they're better than me.

I've worked for the past couple of days and I haven't had much time to reflect on these thoughts as far as that paragraph. I feel as though I can work with this feeling and help myself. If I don't, I'm screwed.
Work sucks. My feet hurt and all that business but at least I'm getting some hours. Gettin' paid! HELLS YEA. Haha.

I'm so tired. My bed, my sheets, my pillow is calling my name. I just wanna lay back down for a few more minutes but I know when I do that I'm just going to wear myself out more.
So, yesterday went pretty well. I worked and then Ashley W. took me out to get something to eat at IHOP, which was a real treat because when I had got home there was meatloaf on the stove. Ewww. I hate meatloaf. And then I went to bed.

I actually work more than six hours today and tomorrow. That's why I'm up so god awful early this morning. This is a terrible and cold and lonely hour. I dislike it very much, but I'll get over because I have to wake up even earlier tomorrow for some stupid reason. Bah! I don't like waking up this early.
I get a paycheck this week... last week was difficult without any money. Doing nothing all the time isn't exactly what I wanted to do when I decided to get a job.

So, my cousin left today. She's been here for about a week but she had to go home to Indiana, go home to the snow and freezing cold. She hates it there, so soon she'll be here she says. That'd be nice. Just as long as her crazy, son of bitch ex-husband doesn't follow her down here.
I have awesome new flannel PJ pants that help keep my legs warm, it's nice.
I still haven't worked this week. I'm thinking of applying to Ross and see how that goes. I just know I need a new damn job.

The last few days have been uneventful.
Yesterday was Jenn P. 20th birthday which was a harsh reminder that I will be turning 20 soon and I'm not exactly looking forward to not being a teenager anymore. Remembering all the times in my youth when I so much wanted to be older and treated like an adult, now I don't want to think about being a grown-up. I wish I could make different decisions and change things that I regret doing and saying for the sake of having a little more time to enjoy life.
We rescued a kitty yesterday. We, being Jenn P., Ashley W. and I, had to take the cat away from her crazy grandmother. Ashley found it a home in the same day, so, yay!
I'm not on-call again until Thursday so maybe they'll need me to work then. I'd like to make some money even though it'll take me away from my romance novel, which just got interesting. Haha.

I haven't worked the past few days and won't be working Tuesday or Wednesday either. Which sucks kinda, but whatever.
I went out tonight and had myself a good time with some wonderful people. I don't think those people realize how much they mean to me. In reality, I don't know where I would be without them, no matter how crazy or complicated they may be.
Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if I had made different choices. But then again, don't we all?

Well, not really. But I did work today, the first day all week and it was only 6 hours. This paycheck will be a little over forty dollars. How bad is that? I live a very luxurious lifestyle. Or, I wish I did. Maybe they'll have me work tomorrow and then my check will be a little over eighty bucks. That I could work with. I need new books and other things that I probably shouldn't be buying.
Well, I'm sleepy. Night!